It feels like everyone is watching me, waiting to see what my next move is. It is like there is this silent expectation that I am about to do something big and spectacular. I would like to say right now…I’m not!!!
I am unsure if it is a combination of my anxiety or hormones but I get this feeling that everyone is thinking ‘come on love, we have given you your time to get over it now do something’.
Right now, I am the performer that has spent the past 9 months preparing for the ‘big show’, I can hear the drum roll, they are announcing my name, the curtain is opening but I’m still in my pyjamas and I’m late…everyone is disappointed and booing me off stage. Yes, this is the imagine I get when I close my eyes once I get off the phone with a family member.
Sure, I know something has got to change but I am so unsure of what and how.
Normally I would find myself in the bath, short of breath from the onslaught of a panic attack while I repeat the question out loud “What do I need to do?”. I guess I always saw this required change as an instant thing. ‘I am clicking my fingers, nothing has changed and I still feel like shit, what is wrong with me’. If I didn’t feel results in the first hmmmm 5 seconds I would abandon hope and let the misery settle for a little longer while I sit naked and pruned in the bath…
In the past 2 months I have changed the way I look at ‘change’. Does it have to be drastic for it to work? no. Does change have to put you completely out of your comfort zone, absolutely not. But as one of my favourite little mantras says “if nothing changes, nothing changes”.
Happiness and Fulfilment shouldn’t be the end result of a 5 year plan, it needs to happen daily. Don’t endlessly reach for the stars… find a nice patch of grass, lay down, look up and admire them every day.
Make your changes by your terms, you know ‘you’ better than anyone else!